La Toya - Singer, Dancer, Actress, Legend

How odd that two of the biggest names in the history of music were born one day apart. Kylie turned 43 yesterday, while La Toya celebrates her 55th birthday today. Geminis must have global chart domination written in their DNA! These women have so much in common. Stunning beauty, mesmerising charisma, millions of adoring fans and less successful younger sisters with child-bearing hips. They really should do a duet! So how to honour the Benjamin Buttons of pop? I could dig out a million different YouTube clips that showcase her vocal brilliance and legendary stagecraft but I've decided to post La Toya's iconic starring role as a voodoo priestess in Counterstrike. If you haven't seen this, you're in for a treat. Every second is television gold! Watch in awe as the sexiest woman alive discusses the harsh reality of ageing:

Dowdy woman: "What about inner beauty?"
Toy: "There's no money in it!"

Toy Toy then goes all kinds of crazy on the poor bitch by carrying out an extremely camp voodoo ritual, which seems to involves a lot of ranting and sword wielding while wearing the most fabulous outfit of the 1980s. It all ends in disaster when Toy meets a completely unjust demise - she just wanted to remain pretty! - but I don't want to give too much away. I really think La Toya should return to acting after releasing her book, its accompanying soundtrack and new studio album. She was clearly robbed of Golden Globe glory for her breathtakingly convincing turn as a lunatic on Counterstrike and I'm sure her acting prowess has only deepened with the passage of time.

Dear Toy, thank you for making the world a vastly more interesting place. May you still be startin' over when you're 100! Lots of love from your loyal soldier, Mike X

La Toya's pioneering new album!

La Toya Jackson has always been a marketing genius. Not that it has ever actually resulted in any success but that's beside the point. This is a woman who released an album called "Bad Girl" while her brother was still promoting "Bad". A diva who posed nude on the cover of "Stop! In The Name Of Love" to remind people that she was once in Playboy. An entrepreneur who opened a psychic hotline despite possessing no psychic ability. Yes, Toy Soldiers - our glorious leader has always been at the forefront of publicity whoring and that trend continues with her decade-in-the-making "Starting Over" album. Instead of merely releasing her sure-to-be Grammy nominated opus on its own, Toy Toy is plugging it as the soundtrack to her latest autobiography. Also titled "Starting Over".

The book, which is now available to pre-order from Amazon, sounds like a truly toytastic read. According to the blurb:

"La Toya Jackson was always closer to Michael than anyone knew. In this heartfelt memoir, she pays tribute to his tortured soul — revealing the intimate moments she shared with the deeply troubled pop legend. The first sibling to arrive at the hospital after Michael was rushed there, and the informant on his death certificate, La Toya noticed suspicious details and demanded a second autopsy. For the first time, she unveils shocking behind-the-scenes dealings that she believes led to her brother's death."

No doubt Toy will add a Pulitzer Prize to her already impressive CV before the end of the year! The soundtrack, which is set for release on June 21, is apparently an EP of older tracks. Never fear, Janet's prettier sister is just being resourceful. Apparently the ageless beauty has a second album of new material on the way with a single scheduled for July. The excitement is almost more than I can handle! If her haunting soundtrack album does contain older material - I'm guessing it will feature her stunning Michael Jackson tribute "Home" - then I hope "No More Drama" makes the cut. I've been playing this stunning gem a lot lately. Not only is the YouTube clip a work of genius but Toy was rocking the urban dance sound 8 years before Rihanna. It even includes the legendary lyric "like Jan said I'm in control". A pioneer, I tell you!

Via Toy Experience.

La Toya is finally startin' over - No, really.

I still remember the first time I heard La Toya's "Just Wanna Dance". It was late 2003. Kylie's "Slow" was number one and I was pretty much just listening to that track on repeat. Out of the blue I received an email saying Toy Toy was embarking on her 217th comeback and I spent the next few days hunting it down. When I finally found an mp3, I was almost too scared to play it. After the final nail in her career coffin otherwise known as "Stop In The Name Of Love", I was prepared for just about anything BUT the best pop song of the year. "Just Wanna Dance" - with its iconic gender-bending lyrics and catchy vocal hooks - became an internet sensation and when the song climbed all the way to number 13 (on the US club chart), it looked like La Toya was on the brink of scoring her very first hit. A mere 24 years after releasing her debut single!

Unfortunately, the legendarily inept Ja-Tail Records never got around to filming a video or releasing it or its equally amazing parent album "Startin' Over". To be honest, I thought the version that leaked in 2005 would be the closest we'll ever get to hearing it but Janet's prettier sister has promised the New York Post that it will hit iTunes by the end of 2011! As pigs flew over Ja-Tail HQ and hell froze over, La Toya revealed: "You are going to hear new music from me – because the fans keep asking for it. I'm doing an album called Startin' Over that I've been starting over forever! I'm going to put that out before the year is over and then I'm done with music."

Before you start weeping over the last sentence. I'd take it with a grain of salt. Toy Toy has music in her blood and I have a sneaking suspicion she'll still be showing hacks like Madonna how it's done for decades to come. It's also good to hear that the tracklist has changed and she's scrapped the urban vibe of the original "Startin' Over". Toy told her soldiers: "It's strictly dance – all about fun, the lyrics are very personal to me. Love Honor and Obey is about being homophobic in the world today. I don't get it why anyone discriminates. It's so the wrong way to live. It's what I feel inside – what I think. Everyone will love it."

This is too much. The Pope of Pop is about to release her first album in 16 years and plans to free the world from homophobia, one nightclub at a time! Read the amazing article here and re-live the worldwide smash that never quite happened (below). Toy Toy is officially back.