Tonje Langeteig & the single of the year!

Tonje Langeteig is my new religion. I know her awe-inspiring anthem "I Don't Wanna Be A Crappy Housewife" is already getting major coverage on the blogosphere but I would feel remiss in my duties as a connoisseur of fine trash if I didn't throw in my two cents. Tonje first came to fame on the Norwegian version of Dating In The Dark. Her stunning curves and magnetic charisma could not be denied and millions of gays across Scandinavia petitioned for the busty blond to revolutionise pop music. At least that's how I like to think it happened! Her debut single has been torn apart by the usual snobs but "I Don't Want To Be A Crappy Housewife" is genuinely amazing. This touching and insightful glimpse into the cruel lifecycle of Norwegian cougars will leave you questioning the meaning of life.

The highly philosophical diva begins the song by declaring "I woke up one morning and I thought I was young but no no no my youth was gone". I wonder if this was originally written with Madonna in mind. But I digress. Tonje then flees to the disco to avoid her empty existence as housewife but obviously pops a dud pill because she begins pondering her own mortality, singing "when I'm six feet under, when I'm dead - I don't want dirt on me but make up instead". Lady Gaga wishes she wrote that lyric! The video is equally amazing. Our heroine rocks up to the world's worst nightclub with a couple of dicey looking hookers in tow before dancing with her rent-a-rapper. Oh and if you think Tonje is all looks and no talent, just watch this stunning live rendition of "I Don't Wanna Be A Crappy Housewife". Now we know where Britney got the inspiration for her BBMA performances from! Download this masterpiece - complete with world's worst cover and spelling mistakes - from iTunes now.

The Undisputed Single Of The Year

It's all over, pop bitches. Please pack your bags and go home. Nicki French snatched your wig and is currently using it to stuff her doona for winter.

Listen here. You'll be stunned and amazed - like Dannii in "This Is It".

Dannii leaks

And no, I'm not referring to the legendary diva's battered, post-birth pelvic floor. Nafensays must have left his holy iPod lying around the gay sauna because an unreleased "Neon Nights" track from 2003 has found its way online. "Weak" has always been high on my wish list of Dannii demos due to the involvement of Henrik Korpi, who is responsible for some of the fertile Minogue's best songs including "Put The Needle On It", "Creep" and my fave track from the entire NN era - "For The Record". Unfortunately, "Weak" turns out to be an appropriate title and I'm glad it was given the chop. Not that it's a bad song but "Neon Nights" remains of the most perfect pop albums of all time and this would have tainted it with mediocrity.

Holidannii's latest leak, which I expect Nafensays to monetise any second now with a re-release of "Unleashed", is a fairly dark ballad. It shows a different side of the diva and her vocal is lovely but the production is very underdone (it's a demo, after all) and the track lacks the hook it needed to be great. Anyway, this is more Kylie's area of expertise. She can pull off the occasional darker moment but Dannii is too fabulous for misery and this doesn't quite cut it. Having said all that, I've listened to "Weak" 20 times on repeat and like it more with each listen. If nothing else, it reminds me how much I miss the former queen of clubs. Dannii, forget about reality TV and return to your true calling - music hasn't be the same without you!

Listen to "Weak" - HERE

The Hoff's new hit

I'm a little concerned that my blog is getting a bit too classy with posts about high brow acts like Lissie, Aloe Blacc and Melissa Tkautz - so I thought I'd write a quick post about David Hasselhoff's latest smash to get back to my trash roots. The Baywatch star is notoriously popular in Germany and his latest album is already a top 30 hit over there. I'm so jealous. They get Kim Gloss and The Hoff? Life just isn't fair. But I digress. "It's A Real Good Feeling" is the lead single from the sexy 58-year-old's new opus and it's as classy as we've come to expect from this undisputed musical genius. A cover of Peter Kent's 1980 number one hit, the track is a hot mess that showcases David's breathtaking vocals and unique brand of crazy. I particularly love the video. Make sure you keep watching until the 2:20 minute mark for the best special effects of 2011! In all seriousness, I worship the Hoff and hopes he keeps churning out the hits (in Germany) for decades to come. Brace yourself for a real good feeling and click below!

We Speak No Americano - Korean Style!

The battle for Korea's girlband crown is over. Give up, Wonder Girls. Go back to hooking, 2NE1. Your cheap rayon wigs have been snatched by LPG! Just when I thought K Pop couldn't get any better (I've been listening to "Twinkle Twinkle" on repeat for days), these five angels have raised the genre to previously unimagined heights by covering Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP's 2010 smash "We Speak No Americano". That song was pretty much the soundtrack to my European jaunt, so it has a very special place in my heart and I love what the girls have done with it. There are new lyrics, a catchy chorus and even a stunning dance routine. I can't understand a word but I'm sure it's deep and meaningful given that they've changed the title to "Angry"!

So who are these artistic giants? Well, if my research is correct, they are Korea's trashiest act since my idol Mina. It seems the band is comprised of failed beauty queens, their name is an abbreviation of Long Pretty Girls and they have a penchant for releasing novelty songs - including a misguided attempt to revive the Can Can and a winter themed flop called "The Road To Ski Hill". I love them so much it hurts! And surely Korea will now embrace these stunning divas too. "Angry" is undeniably amazing and the video (below) is extremely cute. Before you experience the wonder of LPG, I need some advice. Where can I order a copy of this masterpiece? It must be mine!

Ilia Darlin - Greek Goddess

I have to admit I feared for the safety of my eyes and ears when Ilia Darlin was described to me as the Greek Gaga but like Tanya, the self-proclaimed Russian Gaga, this stunning diva is so much better than that 47 year old American tranny. Where to begin with Ilia? She has been hailed the next big thing in Greece (Anna Vissi, your time is up!) and is considered a veritable style icon across the Mediterranean. Which isn't surprising given her penchant for beaded bodices and neon string bikinis! After conquering her homeland, Ilia has her sights set on the UK and plans to unleash her debut single upon unsuspecting pop fans in April.

I guess you could describe "Car Crash" as a break up song. For serial killers. Most of us stop at deleting our bad boyfriends from Facebook but Ilia takes a slightly different view, declaring "you cheat on me but can't cheat death, I'll burn you like a cigarette" before singing about disposing her lover's body in a lake. Don't mess with this bitch! It's easy to dismiss the track as a gimmick but "Car Crash" is a great pop song. Ilia's bored delivery is absolutely intoxicating and I can't get enough of that demented chorus. With different lyrics and less twisted production the song would stand a better chance at radio but I love that Ilia has taken a risk.

If you need further proof that this isn't your average diva, check out the amazing video (below). She camps it up chopping meat in a Butcher's shop, dances in a barely there leotard and scowls like she's just chugged a schooner of lemon juice. I'm in love!

StooShe - Britain's Hottest Girlband

2011 is turning out to be an amazing year for music. First Kim Kardashian serenaded our senses with "Jam (Turn It Up)", before Xelle and Rebecca Black took popular music to previously unimagined heights with their genre defining anthems. They say good things come in threes but they are clearly mistaken because the lovely ladies from StooShe have delivered yet another dose of musical magic with "Fuck Me". Funnily enough, that's exactly what I said after hearing this for the first time. I'm just not used to 1) England producing decent girlbands after suffering through years of Girls Aloud and 2) complete strangers getting me on such a deep, emotional level. Courtney, Alexander and Karis have chosen a subject matter close to my heart for their probing debut single - the quickie. And the girls tackle the topic with uncanny insight, telling their men to "put it in and don't be speakin' unless it's filthy filthy". Although my favourite bit is the X rated homage to En Vogue when they sing "get it up, get it in and I'll free your mind". Quality stuff! I'm not sure what to make of their fashion sense and the hot mess of a man polluting the video clip (below) but any group that mutters "don't be leavin' me no pearl necklace" in their first offering is more than alright by me. When does the album drop? I need it. Bad.

All Hail Rebecca Black

Rebecca Black is the biggest pop culture phenomenon since Justin Bieber. That, dear friends, is just a heart warming fact. Since the future Grammy award winner's debut appeared on Comedy Central's blog a couple of day ago - under the cruel title "Songwriting Isn't For Everyone" - almost five and a half million people have tuned in to watch it. Those numbers put the 13 year old diva up there with Rihanna and Gaga. An amazing feat, particularly when you consider "Friday" has been roundly declared the worst song ever recorded. By stone deaf haters. Seriously, are these sad fuckers listening to the same track? I hear the voice of an autotuned angel and some of the finest lyrics ever scrawled onto a beer stained napkin by a paraletic songwriter under the influence of a variety of hard drugs.

Let's get real for a second. As one of my friends Joe quipped, Rebecca makes Kim Kardashian sound like Celine Dion and lines like "gotta get down to the bus, gotta catch my bus" left some critics wondering if the song was a work of satire - it's not - but I genuinely adore this fabulous piece of trash and happily spent $1.69 to download it from iTunes. Why? Because it's as catchy as it is hilarious. Moreover, it's refreshingly unpretentious and ten times better than anything on "Femme Fatale" including the song that Ke$ha wrote. "Friday" rises above the fact that Rebecca sounds like a water damaged Espresso machine to be one of the best songs of 2011. Yes, I said it!

Interestingly, this masterpiece is the handiwork of Ark Factory (or the new Stock Aitken Waterman as I like to call them). They specialise in writing songs for undiscerning rich girls who want to be pop stars and their conveyor belt approach to production and stunning lack of attention to detail is breaktaking. If they are the new SAW then I guess that makes Rebecca the new Kylie. A blank canvas that gets through some of the most dubious lyrics ever written with an oblivious smile on her face and genuine enthusiasm. And as I wrote in my Sydney Star Observer review - what else was the poor bitch supposed to sing about? Gettin' crunk in tha club? She's 13 years old!

Here are ten reasons why you should embrace Rebecca Black as the new Queen of pop and acknowledge "Friday" as a piece of modern poetry:

1. The clip's amazingly tacky animated intro
2. "Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal"
3. Rebecca's front seat vs back seat dilemma - talk about Sophie's Choice!
4. It has a chorus for the ages ("Friiiday, Friiiiday, gettin' down on Friiiday")
5. The bored/humiliated look on her friends' faces
6. Does she really say "we're gettin' German on the highway"?
7. The scene stealing cameo from the incredibly uncoordinated girl in the pink dress
8. Bec is totally hood for a 13 year old, rocking that party!
9. It's educational - "Yesterday was Thursday, Today is Friday... Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterward"
10. The best rent-a-rapper since Jazzi P

Watch in awe.

FUN, FUN, FUN!

Ke$ha's Forgotten Gem

Tomorrow night I will bask in Ke$ha's heavenly, glitter stained glow for the second time in a year. The first show blew my mind and that was just a five song gig for two hundred desperate fans at Fox Studios. A full blown blast of K Dollar is likely to push me over the edge, so I've been steeling myself for the experience by playing "Animal" and "Cannibal" non-stop for the past couple of weeks. There isn't a bad song on either album but I keep coming back to a handful of tunes. The title track of Ke$ha's debut should have been a single, "Grow A Pear" is modern poetry at its finest, "Kiss N Tell" still rocks my world and all of us can identify with the universal message of "Backstabber". However, my favourite track from the cutting edge safe sex advocate remains "Stephen".

It wouldn't have worked as a single but I love that Ke$ha lets her crazy out and displays some vulnerability - not to mention a stalker streak the size of Kanye West's ego. This is an incredibly demented tune but it works largely due to the diva's inimitable charm and hook filled production. The lyrics are so cute! I'd let her knit me a sweater anytime. Anyway, while wasting time online diligently working, I discovered Ke$ha had even filmed a video for the song. And it's the best thing she's ever done. "Stephen" must have cost $10 to make but it's a lough out loud funny, creative tour de force. Think "Misery" meets "Lars And The Real Girl" for some idea of what to expect! I think was played during her last concert tour but if it passed you by, you're in for a genuine treat. Bow down to the most unique superstar pop has ever seen.

Queen Ke$ha Strikes Again

Ke$ha is the best thing to happen to popular music since the birth of La Toya Jackson. High praise indeed but well deserved. I love this woman so much. She's like a character from a John Waters movie come to life - only with the voice of a drug fucked angel and a batch of killer pop tunes! The divine diva's latest triumph is a breathtakingly brilliant video for her future worldwide number one smash "Blow". I was initially sceptical about the song's selection as the second single from "Cannibal" - I would have gone with the title track or "C U Next Tuesday" - but the film clip has completely changed my mind. It begins with Ke$ha explaining how she was elected to parliament in Uzbekistan, while drinking champagne with unicorns. And it just gets weirder from there. There's an amazing cameo from James Van Der Beek (who looks a million times hotter now than he did on Dawson's Creek), a shoot out with rainbow coloured blood and the best dialogue to grace a music video since Beyoncé's scene stealing performance in "Telephone". Katie Holmes and Michelle Williams must be so jealous. Sure, one of them married for a lot of money and the other is an Oscar nominated actress but James now has a Ke$ha video on his resume. Winner! Watch this masterpiece in all its glory below.

Oh and while I'm on the topic of K Dollar, just a reminder to buy her amazingly titled remix album "I Am The Dance Commander + I Command You To Dance: The Remix Album" on March 22. It's worth buying for the stunning cover alone and the fabulous (not so) new track "F**k Him He's A DJ" - which leaked two years ago. Here's the full tracklist:

1. Blow (Cirkut Remix)
2. The Sleazy Remix (feat. Andre 3000)
3. TiK Tok Untold Remix
4. F**k Him He’s A DJ
5. Animal Switch Remix
6. Your Love Is My Drug Dave Audé Club Remix
7. We R Who We R Fred Falke Club Remix
8. Take It Off Billboard Remix
9. TiK Tok Chuck Buckett’s Veruca Salt Remix
10. Blah Blah Blah (feat. 3OH!3) DJ Skeet Skeet Radio Remix

I can't believe I get to see this holy goddess live in concert in less than two weeks!

Lucero - My New Mexican Obsession

Mexican pop music continues to blow my mind. It's hard to believe that so many glorious divas could emerge from the one nation - María José, Ninel Conde, Fey, Patricia Manterola and Lorena Herrera. So much talent and beauty! Well, I have a new name to add to that long list. A couple of days ago my Mexipop soulmate Joe introduced me to Lucero and it was love at first listen. The glamorous songbird is a living legend at home. She released her first album as a 13 year old in 1982 and is still going strong today. Lucero's latest opus (above) hit stores last month and the video for the album's second single debuted recently. Nothing will prepare you for fabulousness of "Indispensable". A 41 year old balladeer jumping on the electro-pop bandwagon - complete with a film clip that channels Lady Gaga and Britney Spears circa 2000 - is hard to beat! As much as I love the song, it's all about the visuals for me. The cheap special effects, dubious choreography and unfortunate outfits combine to create the video of the year (below). Seriously, this makes Fey's iconic "Let Me Show You" look like "Bad Romance"! Truly breathtaking. The annoying thing is I now have 21 albums to catch up on. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm buying this masterpiece for the cover alone!

Mimi Does It Again!

I knew I was going to love Mariah's new Christmas album from the moment I saw the master class in Photoshop doubling as the cover. Mimi is so fucking shameless. I swear she's just recycled a picture from 1994 and thrown in a plastic snowman from Kmart for added effect! You'll be happy to know that the lead single is just as fabulous as the artwork. "Oh Santa" hit the net last week and I can't turn the damn thing off. Seriously, this is the legendary diva's best single since a generation of gays cried themselves to sleep listening to "Mariah's Theme" a decade ago. As far as I'm concerned, "Oh Santa" is the perfect Christmas anthem. It's cute, catchy and easy to sing along to when you're drunk! I particularly love the "ho ho hos" and jingle bells. Hell, Mimi even brings back her trademark dog whistle at the two and a half minute mark. Yes! I never thought I'd say it but I think Mariah has at least equalled the magic of "All I Want For Christmas Is You". Time will tell if it's as big as that yuletide classic but I know what song I'll be annoying my family with on Christmas morning.

A Tweet From Soraya

My world changed forever last night when I logged into Twitter and read the most glorious tweet ever composed:

ey Mike!!!!nice to meet you!!!lots of kisses!!!

I still can't believe Soraya hit me up. It's like receiving an email from Jesus or a text from Ami Suzuki! I really feel I've moved a step closer to fulfilling my destiny of becoming the Spanish beauty's new BFF. It's only a matter of time before we're sharing a bottle of Beso Extremeño at her local Vips.

Stay tuned for the next phase of our blossoming romance by following me on Twitter!

Christine Anu Comes Home

Why didn't someone tell me about this? I was messing around on YouTube, watching "Party" for like the 287th time this year, when I noticed that Christine Anu has a new single out. This glorious event should be front page news! Apart from a delicious charity single with Deni Hines in 2008, Chrissy has been MIA since 2003's #85 smash "Talk About Love". Since then she's worked steadily in theatre and been a regular on Sydney's live scene but I've missed her amazing pop anthems like "Sunshine On A Rainy Day" and "Jump To Love". Happily, "Come Home" was worth the wait. Penned by Matthew Gerrard (probably best known for writing Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway") and produced by DNA (the Sydney based mavericks behind Chris Sorbello's "So Lonely" and "Dangerzone"), Christine's new jam sounds like the best song Jordin Sparks never recorded. Think a perkier version of "Battlefield" - only with some personality. Ryan Tedder must be spitting chips! Give it a listen (below) and be sure to check out the trashtastic dance remix. Both versions are now available to download from iTunes. Welcome back.