A taste of La Toya

The first taste of La Toya's pioneering autobiography soundtrack EP is finally here! "Starting Over" sounds like it was recorded in 2003 - and it probably was - but that doesn't stop the future #1 smash (on the bubbling under of the Billboard dance radio airplay chart) from being one of the year's finest singles. I love the perky beat and Toy Toy's Grammy winning lyrical genius is on full display:

All on my own and I'm finally startin' over,
Tonight let's celebrate until I say this party's over

Janet who? And then there's the stunning breakdown that gives me shivers and an erection. You will well and truly feel her funk when the pope of pop unleashes the full power of her one octave range vocals and sassily sings:

I don't need no cure, there ain't no lookin' back
I don't need no cure, no I don't have regrets

Bring on the rest of the EP! I think we can safely say that La Toya has album and single of the year already in the bag. Listen to a preview of her next first hit below.

La Toya - Singer, Dancer, Actress, Legend

How odd that two of the biggest names in the history of music were born one day apart. Kylie turned 43 yesterday, while La Toya celebrates her 55th birthday today. Geminis must have global chart domination written in their DNA! These women have so much in common. Stunning beauty, mesmerising charisma, millions of adoring fans and less successful younger sisters with child-bearing hips. They really should do a duet! So how to honour the Benjamin Buttons of pop? I could dig out a million different YouTube clips that showcase her vocal brilliance and legendary stagecraft but I've decided to post La Toya's iconic starring role as a voodoo priestess in Counterstrike. If you haven't seen this, you're in for a treat. Every second is television gold! Watch in awe as the sexiest woman alive discusses the harsh reality of ageing:

Dowdy woman: "What about inner beauty?"
Toy: "There's no money in it!"

Toy Toy then goes all kinds of crazy on the poor bitch by carrying out an extremely camp voodoo ritual, which seems to involves a lot of ranting and sword wielding while wearing the most fabulous outfit of the 1980s. It all ends in disaster when Toy meets a completely unjust demise - she just wanted to remain pretty! - but I don't want to give too much away. I really think La Toya should return to acting after releasing her book, its accompanying soundtrack and new studio album. She was clearly robbed of Golden Globe glory for her breathtakingly convincing turn as a lunatic on Counterstrike and I'm sure her acting prowess has only deepened with the passage of time.

Dear Toy, thank you for making the world a vastly more interesting place. May you still be startin' over when you're 100! Lots of love from your loyal soldier, Mike X

La Toya's pioneering new album!

La Toya Jackson has always been a marketing genius. Not that it has ever actually resulted in any success but that's beside the point. This is a woman who released an album called "Bad Girl" while her brother was still promoting "Bad". A diva who posed nude on the cover of "Stop! In The Name Of Love" to remind people that she was once in Playboy. An entrepreneur who opened a psychic hotline despite possessing no psychic ability. Yes, Toy Soldiers - our glorious leader has always been at the forefront of publicity whoring and that trend continues with her decade-in-the-making "Starting Over" album. Instead of merely releasing her sure-to-be Grammy nominated opus on its own, Toy Toy is plugging it as the soundtrack to her latest autobiography. Also titled "Starting Over".

The book, which is now available to pre-order from Amazon, sounds like a truly toytastic read. According to the blurb:

"La Toya Jackson was always closer to Michael than anyone knew. In this heartfelt memoir, she pays tribute to his tortured soul — revealing the intimate moments she shared with the deeply troubled pop legend. The first sibling to arrive at the hospital after Michael was rushed there, and the informant on his death certificate, La Toya noticed suspicious details and demanded a second autopsy. For the first time, she unveils shocking behind-the-scenes dealings that she believes led to her brother's death."

No doubt Toy will add a Pulitzer Prize to her already impressive CV before the end of the year! The soundtrack, which is set for release on June 21, is apparently an EP of older tracks. Never fear, Janet's prettier sister is just being resourceful. Apparently the ageless beauty has a second album of new material on the way with a single scheduled for July. The excitement is almost more than I can handle! If her haunting soundtrack album does contain older material - I'm guessing it will feature her stunning Michael Jackson tribute "Home" - then I hope "No More Drama" makes the cut. I've been playing this stunning gem a lot lately. Not only is the YouTube clip a work of genius but Toy was rocking the urban dance sound 8 years before Rihanna. It even includes the legendary lyric "like Jan said I'm in control". A pioneer, I tell you!

Via Toy Experience.

An Open Letter To Lady Gaga

Dear Lady Gaga,

You are one shady bitch. I loved your first two albums - you know, when you actually made fun music - and couldn't care less if you recycle Madonna's entire back catalogue but the time has come to stop ripping off La Toya. I know it's hard not to be inspired by the greatest vocalist of the past 25 years. Toy Toy's own sister spent decades jackin' her swagger but at least Janet had the decency to become a massive flop and disappear, while you continue to rob the Priestess of Pop blind. At first I thought your La Toya obsession was cute. It's clear she's everything you aspire to be (and more) but your latest image is the final straw. You're obviously trying to con Toy Toy's tens of fans into buying your new album by dressing up as her long lost twin sister. Well, I'm on to you and plan to expose your evil trickery to the world. Listed below are six irrefutable examples of your thieving ways. In the words of the great one herself - it's time to get correct!

Yours in utter disgust,

Mike

Example 1: Her new look

It annoys me that deluded monsters hail Lady Gaga's alien look as innovative and cutting edge when La Toya has been compared to extra-terrestrials for years. Compare the following pics. Need I say more?


Example 2: Taking to the runway

When the world's least original pop star walked the runway for Tierry Mugler fans fell over themselves proclaiming Gaga a fashion icon. If only they knew the Benjamin Button of pop stole the idea from Toy Toy.


Example 3: Hitching her wagon to Beyoncé

One of the smartest moves Gaga ever made was roping in the services of the vastly more popular and critically acclaimed music icon Beyoncé to give her some credibility and class. Only, you guessed it. Toy Toy got there first!


Example 4: Red carpet publicity whoring

Mother Monster's arrival at this year's Grammy Awards made international headlines but the bitch has nothing on the thinking man's Jackson, who has turned red carpet whoring into an artform. Even if no one's there!


Example 5: The Eiffel Tower

One of Toy Toy's most iconic photoshoots took place in front of the Eiffel Tower, so I guess it was only a matter of time before Gaga tried to emulate her glamorous idol.


Example 6: Ripping off Madonna

Lady Gaga thought she was so clever ripping off "Express Yourself" but it's clear she got the idea from La Toya, who scored a massive top 30 smash (in Holland) some 20 years earlier with a song that samples "Like A Virgin". Compare "Born This Way" with the vastly superior "Sexbox" below.