The most terrifying pop song... EVER

Now this is some scary shit. Just when I thought I'd seen it all, along comes a 13-year-old boy with a creepy hymn set to banging techno beats not heard since the glory days of Ya Kid K. Normally I'd be amused but "Mary Did You Know" is frightening on so many levels. Not in the least because little Johnny Hammer reminds me of Damien from The Omen - if he had been brought up by a gay uncle with a killer collection of S'Express vinyls. Then there's the chilling video and almost ominous lyrics. But the most disturbing thing about this future floorfiller - well, apart from it actually being kind of catchy ("baaaaaaby booooy") - is the fact that it's not a piss take. Technopraise is an American collective that specialises in Christian dance music. You know, for those moments when you feel like getting a little closer to Jesus by hitting up the club. I want to hate this but I'm completely hypnotised by its grandiose awfulness and eagerly away the next smash from the Justin Bieber of holy electro. Praise him before he eats your soul!

Is Pattyboy the worst pop star of all time?

That was a rhetorical question because the answer is clearly yes! Pattyboy is the hottest mess to grace Pop Trash Addicts in its long and sordid history. With the voice of an unautotuned Kim Kardashian, dance moves that Katherine Hepburn perfected shortly before leaving this mortal coil and a wardrobe of outfits that look like rejects from Perez Hilton's short lived fashion line, this gay drags pop music to shocking new depths. But I'm not gonna hate. In fact, New Zealand's self-proclaimed male Lady Gaga - I just can't - is my new hero! It takes balls of steel (or a mental illness) to put yourself out there with this little talent and, let's face it, his music is still probably better than half of "Born This Way".

Take his amazing breakthrough hit "Disco Erection". The stunning club banger finds Pattyboy doing aerobics in his mother's old lyrca gym shorts on the floor of a nightclub while singing saying classy lyrics like "drink it up, bend and suck, get fucked". Doesn't it make you proud to be gay? No? Well, how about his glorious gay pride anthem "Wear Your Colours"? I might need to lay off the marijuana but I actually think there's a nice song hiding somewhere inside this heinous trainwreck. It has a sweet message and is a radical improvement on "Disco Erection" but Pattyboy's non-existent vocal ability and criminal dress sense ensure this will be another entry on the worst songs of all time countdown. Shame. As shit as he is, I'm kind of glad the taste-blind Kiwi is deluded enough to keep at it. And, truth be told, I can't wait to see what new depth he plumbs next!

Xelle - My New Favourite Girlband!

I love a quality girlband as much as the next gay but for every Las Supremas de Móstoles there are ten rancid shit heaps like Girls Aloud and The Saturdays. Happily, newcomers Xelle definitely fall into the former category. These lovely ladies have the voices of (fallen) angels, sex appeal to burn and an overabundance of glamour not seen since the glory days of Martha Wash and the Weather Girls. They are also a girlband with a twist. You see, one of the members has a doodle and first came to fame on Season 3 of RuPaul's amazing Drag Race. Needless to say, Mimi Imfurst is my favourite member but JC Cassis and Rony Goffer more than hold their own. Particularly, JC. Just watch this defining video of her destroying vastly improving Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror" in a gimp mask. Toy Toy would give her personal seal of approval! But back to Xelle. The talented divas have just unveiled their debut single and video clip. "Party Girl", written and produced by Zach Adam, is a fun pop tune in the vein of Ke$ha, Gaga and their army of imitators. It's extremely catchy and I love Mimi's rap! The video is just as fabulous. Xelle take over a subway car and leave a bunch of lucky commuters breathless with their stunning outfits and gravity defying choreography. Watch in awe as the ladies show the pretenders how it's done!

Kimberley Cole - Smack You

Why isn't every blog on the net raving about Kimberley Cole's latest masterpiece? "Smack You" blows the pretenders out of the water with its amazing lyrics ("I'm gonna kick you right between the hips, 'cause you're such a catty bitch") and fabulous Lady Gaga on a budget production values. And that's not even touching on the 5 minute "Kill Bill" inspired video (video), which finds Kimmy beating the shit out of her lover's mistress after the ho has the audacity to say "I fucked yo man" over a friendly game of cards. The rudeness! To be honest I don't know that much about Kim. I have a feeling she's one of those internet sensations that have millions of followers on Twitter but no real career to speak of. However, that should all change very soon because this kind of talent can't be denied! A case in point is the song's lofty #32 position on the US club chart. Watch out, dance divas - there's a new girl on the block and she's not afraid to fight dirty! "Smack You" and its remix package are available to download now from iTunes.

Words Fail Me. Almost.

Seriously, Wendy. Buy yourself a douche! No one likes Mars Bar stains on the sheets. Now if only Delta would cover this stunning pop masterpiece on her next album...