X-Files--"Quagmire"

“Quagmire’ is a personal favorite. It is not a great episode because of some glaring flaws, most notable how poorly april in Vancouver doubles for april in Georgia, a mismatch of humorous versus overly grizly scenes, and a mischaracterization or two. The episode is saved for many fans by the third act, in which Mulder and scully believe they are stranded on a rock miles from shore in the dead of night, so they wax philosophical while waiting for daylight. I think the third act being so popular proves X-Phile shippers are cheap dates, but that is just my $ .02.

Mulder takes advantage of a missing biologist near a georgia lake in order to search for a mythical Loch Ness Monster-like creature named Big Blue. Because scully is dragged along at the last minute, she has to take her dog, Queequeg, along with them. If you do not see something bad happening to the dog already, you are too naïve to leave the house unsupervised.

One of the reasons “Quagmire is” a personal favorite is because the entire premise and execution is similar to a story that occurred near my neck of the woods called the Lizard Man of Lee County. The Lizard Man was allegedly first spotted by a young man driving home from work at 2 AM one night in 1988. One of his tires blew out. As he was finishing putting a new one on, his car was supposedly attacked by a seven foot tall, humanoid lizard with red eyes, three fingered hands, and three-toed feet. In others words, a shorter Sleestak from Land of the lost . The incident caused a stir because there were scratches on the roof of the car and a missing rear view mirror as physical evidence.

Most people thought the guy had been drinking and was making up a story to cover for an alcohol related accident which damaged his car, but people started reporting sightings of the Lizard man all over. Plaster casts of a set of footprints were made, but never sent to any lab for testing, presumably because someone had faked them as a hoax to keep the story going. It was not too long before locals were selling tee shirts and booking hunting expeditions to boost tourism. All these elements are prominent in “Quagmire,” though altered enough to avoid too much similarity.

There are still occasional reports of Lizard man sightings. It alleged tried to drag a young girl into the swamp in 2004 and attacked an older couple’s car in 2008. But a airman from Shaw Air Force base who alleged shot the creature recanted the scales and blood he presented as evidence after he was convicted of a fire arms misdemeanor. He claimed he lied to keep the myth--and the tourism cash--rolling in. If you are interested, this web site covers twenty years of the myth.

No, I do not believe in the Lizard Man, but I do believe in the greenbacks gullible Yankees have left behind when they have come to Lee County looking for it. The georgia locals in “Quagmire” are the same. At one point, a guy selling tee shirts and key chains is seen making fake footprints with novelty rubber monster feet in order to further the lended and drum up business. It is another of the aspects I like most about “Quagmire”--the Southerners are not presented as ignorant yokels. Instead, Mulder is presented as the naïve guy who believes without question while the locals understand the real deal. Even when other people are attacked on the lake, the sheriff responds to Mulder’s panic by assuring him it is vacation season. At least eight or nine rednecks get drunk and drown themselves, get hit by a boat, or bitten by a water moccasin. It is to be expectected.

However, there is a creature killing people and Scully’s dog. I mentioned above the girzly combination of humor and gruesome death and mischaracterization. My problem zeros around Queequeg’s death. Scully takes him for a walk at night.. He runs off barking at something, then after a pitiable yelp, goes silent. When Scully pulls back the leash, there is nothing left but his collar and nametag. The scene comes right after the silly fake footprints bit, so it is jarring. That would not be so bad if the subsequent scene did not have Mulder, completely unsympathetic to a teary eyed Scully, engrossed in local photos allegedly showing Big Blue and then dragging her off on a moonlit boat ride to search himself. I am no fan of dogs, but I can appreciate when a friend is upset when a friend is upset over hers==and I am not a Rhodes scholar psychologist like Mulder.

Granted, the scene was meant to emphasize Mulder’s obsession with finding truth in the unexplained, but he comes across as nothing but cruel instead. We get some resolution in the third act after something sinks their boat and the two agents are stranded on a rock for the night. Mulder makes an effort to show interest in her dog by asking she named him Queequeg. Her father had a fascination with Moby Dick, so the whole family had nicknames relating to the novel. We already know tjis from past episode; mulder does not. Is that not odd considering how involved he has been in scully family tragedies of late? Again, he comes across as a self-absorbed jerk.

It is presumably this realization that prompts Scully to compare her partner to Ahab in a line that, I painfully admit, jabs me personally:

"You're so consumed by your personal vengeance against life, whether it be its inherent cruelties or mysteries, everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology."

Ouch, Scully. How long have you been spying on me?

Mulder respons jokingly by saying it has always been a boyhood dream to have a pergleg. That way, he would have a disability which would lower expectations for his sucdees. People would admire him for simply carrying on with life. Let me assure you, this dream is crap. Even if you graduate valedictorian, earn a full scholarship to a big university, and eventually earn a law degree while holding various jobs in the interim inspite of disabilities, all any numb nut will say to you is how much they admire you for getting out of bed in the morning. exceeding the low expectations for cripples ain’t all it is cracked up to be, particularly when surrounded by…well, you know. Morons.

You can see how Scully nailed me as well as Mulder with her Ahab comparison

Anyway, enough with the self-psychoanalysis. The killer turns out to be a large alligator who has been moving closer to people because his regular food source’s population has been cut down. Mulder is disappointed to learn Big Blue is not real, but he misses the creature popping up out the water as the two agents leave the lakeside.

‘quagmire” is a mixed blessing for me, considering its ties to a local legend and an accurate mirror it holds up. I still give it a highly positive review. I can appreciate anything, but particularly an idiot box offering, which prompts serious thought. Considering ’Quagmire” is probably light entertainment to most everyone else, i6t is fully understandable if the general consensus is in disagreement. The shippers get the famous Conversation on the Rock, though. So there is that.

Rating: **** (out of 5)