I Hate That I Love This

Taking the piss out of Nicole Scherzinger is one of my favourite hobbies. I've always respected the fact that she can actually sing and dance (unlike most of her contemporaries) but there's just something shady about this bitch. It's rude to ride a manufactured girlband to fame and then act like you're too good for the other hos in your troop. Even if they are a bunch of useless no-hopers like Jessica Sutta. And don't even get me started on the shameful debacle that was her first attempt at solo stardom. Nicole took flopping to new heights with such non-smashes as "Whatever U Like", "Baby Love" and "Puakenikeni". If the latter isn't the worst song of the noughties, it's definitely in the top 10. But credit where credit's due. She wiped the egg off her pretty face and returned to the Pussycat Dolls for another album before giving it another go. And it looks like Nicole has finally found the winning formula.

I hated "Poison" but it was an international smash and she's now officially ditched her Flopzinger moniker with a UK number one hit. More importantly, "Don't Hold Your Breath" is a genuinely amazing pop song. It was written by Toby Gad and produced by Billy Steinberg, who has crafted gems for international superstars like Ashley Tisdale and Jessica Mauboy. This is the kind of pure pop explosion I was hoping Britney would deliver instead of a stillborn club banger like "Hold It Against Me". Unlike that epic fail, Nicky's catchy floorfiller has real heart and attitude. It's one part "I Will Survive", two parts Kate Ryan - with a dash of faux RedOne flavouring thrown in for good measure. The resulting Imma get my shit together and show you anthem is utterly irresistible. But shame about the dire video that looks like it was filmed on her assistant's battered iPhone.