X-Files--"Aqua Mala"

The worst part about sitting through a monumental mythology arc storyline is the next episode is always filler. Now that we are in the slow decline of the series, the filler episodes are going to be far worse than they ever have before. Case in point; “Aqua Mala” (Spanish for “bad water”0 which starts out as a promising homage to Kolchak the Night Stalker, complete with Darren McGavin as a guest star, buy quickly devolves into farce.

Darren McGavin makes his second appearance as retired FBI Special Agent Arthur Dales is what I lament as a wasted appearance. He should have been part of a much better monster of the week story, perhaps with Mulder and Scully investigating a decades old case of which still has some emotional resonance for him. Instead, he calls them down to Florida in the middle of a hurricane when a tentacled sea monster comes up through the plumbing and murders an entire family.

The X-Files utilizes two techniques to make up for a bad script. One, something horrible happens to a kid. Two, there is a lot of gore. In this case, we get a double whammy. The teaser involves a child being strangled to death by a tentacle coming up through the toilet. (potty training children should avoid ’aqua Mala.” Just sayin’.) The rest of the episode is full of blood and gore, not the least of which is Scully performing an emergency tracheotomy on the local deputy using a pocket knife and a ballpoint pen. Yeesh.

The problem with this is the episode’s heavy emphasis on humor instead of horror. The agents are trapped in a cheap condominium complex with a cast of goofy stereotypical characters, such as a trigger happy conspiracy nut who thinks Castro is about to invade any minute, an obnoxious pregnant Latina and her dumb, unemployed boyfriend,, and a looter pretending he actually lives there instead. Id you predicted the gun nut fires wildly periodically at shadows, the latina gives birth in the middle of it all, her husband is the butt of a myriad of stupid jokes, and the looter steals from the deputy while no one is looking because cannot talk with his makeshift stoma, then you, too, are ready to be a generic television writer.

The horror elements are bad, too. There is no real tension because there are too many attempts at humor. The usual less is more strategy of presenting a monster does not work here, either. All we ever see is a tentacle grabbing its victims from the toilet or bath tub. We are supposed to imagine some huge squid or octopus, but I cannot get passed the image of a rubber prop controlled by wires. The biggest problem with the creature is its destruction. It can live in the sewer system because the hurricane has pushed salt water into the pipes. But exposure to fresh water kills it. No lie, and bad science.

I am disappointed by the characterizations, particularly Scully. Mulder is his usual sardonic self, but Scully is unusually whiny. There are no circumstances in which I can see her abandoning mulder after he has been attacked by the creature, even if she assumes it’s a fatal attack, as she does here. There is too much loyalty between the two agents to give up that easily. Even I could not stand Scully in “Aqua Mala.”

Darin Morgan might have made this kind of episode work, but is long gone by this point. There is nothing to recommend “Aqua Mala.” The humor is so over the top, it does not work. The horror is cheap. The gore is a blatant attempt to cover up the episode’s shortcomings. The starwat that broke the camels back is early on in the episode when the agents find the murdered family’s cat safe and sound in the water of a half filled washing machine. So the cat figured out sitting in fresh water would save it from the monster hours before the FBI agents draw the same conclusion. The FBI should have put that cat in charge of the X-Files instead of Spender and Fowley. Skip “Aqua Mala” for your own good.

Rating: * (out of 5)